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Finite luck and Endo sucks

Do you ever think it's possible that luck is finite? Like there's only so much to go around or you're born with a quota and once you have used it up, that's it?

I sometimes think that this could be the case. I feel like I have been incredibly lucky in recent years. I found a man that loves me and treats me like an equal and he is someone that just fits. Seriously, when you see us together, it just makes sense. My career has seemingly taken off and I'm actually being appreciated for what I bring to the table. I get to go overseas and see the world with me job which is honestly something I wished for when I was a kid. With that, I have got a comfortable life. I don't worry about money (another wish from childhood come true). Sometimes I feel scared that this isn't real and I have somehow got everything by some sneaky way and it's all going to be taken away from me. Sometimes, I think of doing something to drastically sabotage everything because I find it hard to believe that this is my life and that I deserve it.

It's so weird how the mind works and possibly if I was a man, I wouldn't even have any of these thoughts.

Because I have so much of what I always dreamed of, my mind sometimes tells me that I have enough. That wanting a child is the cherry on top that is unreachable. Partly because I have so much and partly because that is just too much good luck for one person. Like you have all of this, how dare you want anything more? How dare you even ask the universe for one more damn thing??!

I don't even believe in a higher power or religion or karma really but this seems to get me. I find myself thinking that maybe I should just be happy with my lot in life and shouldn't want anymore. Maybe this is some kind of punishment for all those crappy things you said and did when you were younger?

I recently got diagnosed with Stage 4 Endometriosis. This gives me a 20% chance of conceiving naturally. If you're wondering, that is some really shitty odds. It shook my world and the bad voice in my head throughout coming to terms with this has been "maybe this is what you deserve, you've had it too good".


The rational part of my brain tells me that this all isn't true. That wanting a child doesn't have to erase the joy in my life. That it's OK to want something when you have happiness in your life. I just really hope that telling myself this enough will make me believe it.


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