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All the things they say
July 2023

It will happen when you least expect it.

It will happen when you are relaxed.

You need to stop thinking about it.

You’re just too tense right now.

You need to work out more.

Don’t work out too much.

You’re thinking about it.

Stop being so stressed.

You want it too much.

Don’t blame yourself.

Have you had tests?

Treat yourself.

Eat healthier.

What’s next?

What now?


Here and there
July 2023

I’m here

But not really there

I walk through life

But I’ve forgotten how to care

For myself, for anything


I’m living in tunnel vision

Never stepping off the path

Just stuck in the mission

Going through the motions

Stuck in a daze

Repeating the process


My mind is a maze

Of twists and turns

Never finding the centre

Nor any way out

I go round in circles

No one hears when I shout


That I am lost

I’m in too deep

It’s getting so dark

And I’m scared of the cost

Of what this is going to take

To find my way back

That I’ll fall through the crack

And no one will catch me

Because it is me letting go

Of the life that entraps me


What if there is no point to the cause

That I’ve been here too long

Putting my life on pause

What if it never works

What if I’m broke

Like a fire that won’t burn

Though continually stoked


Will it be worth it?

At the end of it all

Will I regret it

When my time comes to call?

Jul 2023

They wonder the desolate landscape

Finding nothing

A vast empty space

No place to sustain life

Empty echoes around a cracked sphere

Ready to shed another month of hope.

A cough rings out as they journey on

What is it they are looking for?

They don’t know.

Anything to explain the dankness

The reason for such a lonely place

No love grows here

The sheer bareness of it

Reeks of a rebellion

The entire purpose


Undeserving of it

Unwavering in its determination

To be unwelcome

To any that could call it home

One Day
Jan 2023

Sometimes I imagine running away

Just getting a plane ticket

And disappearing one day

Somewhere I can deep my feet in the ocean

My body relaxing, away from emotion

There my body wouldn't feel so bad

And I wouldn't look at it

And feel so sad

In a place that is miles away

If I disappeared from my life one day

Here we go again...
Jan 2023

To risk the pain all over again

Is the most frightening thing of all

To willingly put myself on a cliff edge

Where I don’t hang on but fall

Into grief, despair, and sadness

The belief that I failed

Turning my pain into madness

To hate my body so much

That I want it to hurt

Where I imagine running away

Isolating myself 

Where I can be barren

With no expectation

Where I can lay still

With no motivation

I take a deep breath

and I will risk the pain

I’m not ready to give up

Here we go again.

Never There
Dec 2022

How can I be this sad when you never existed

All the drugs that I had, yet you resisted

You were never there, it wasn’t meant to be

Yet in my head, you are all I see

Your little face that looks so pudgy,

The hands that wrap around my finger

The eyes that look like him

That look around then linger

On my face, taking me all in

Taking everything in

Your first steps, your first word

I dreamt of it all

Your laugh I wish I could have heard

But you were never there 

Never there for me to hold

Never there for me to love

Never there

We would have taken you to the park

Or walks around the zoo

Maybe to the seaside

On a train that went choo choo

It’s funny that you were never there

‘cos in my head you were

I love you little baby

And will forever more

'It'll get easier'
Dec 2022

They say that it’ll get easier

The people that have no clue

That have never had this much uncertainty

And probably never will

The fear wraps up around me

And tightens my very core

I feel trapped on an endless ride

And I’ll never find the door

The door that will lead to all the hopes

The life of what could be

Where I can hold them in my arms

And we are a family

It starts to feel impossible

Almost even illogical

That it will ever happen for us

That I will be a mother

He will be a father

When it happens for others so easily

I find it hard to bear

How dare they flaunt their luck around

The world just seems unfair

To get pregnant by accident

Seems like a fucking joke

Like the universe just wants to mess with us

And show how much I’m broke

They tell you to eat this, do this, do that

Like there’s some magical cure

Like piss off right now

Fucking leave, shut the door

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