All the things they say
July 2023
It will happen when you least expect it.
It will happen when you are relaxed.
You need to stop thinking about it.
You’re just too tense right now.
You need to work out more.
Don’t work out too much.
You’re thinking about it.
Stop being so stressed.
You want it too much.
Don’t blame yourself.
Have you had tests?
Treat yourself.
Eat healthier.
What’s next?
What now?
What…
Here and there
July 2023
I’m here
But not really there
I walk through life
But I’ve forgotten how to care
For myself, for anything
I’m living in tunnel vision
Never stepping off the path
Just stuck in the mission
Going through the motions
Stuck in a daze
Repeating the process
My mind is a maze
Of twists and turns
Never finding the centre
Nor any way out
I go round in circles
No one hears when I shout
That I am lost
I’m in too deep
It’s getting so dark
And I’m scared of the cost
Of what this is going to take
To find my way back
That I’ll fall through the crack
And no one will catch me
Because it is me letting go
Of the life that entraps me
What if there is no point to the cause
That I’ve been here too long
Putting my life on pause
What if it never works
What if I’m broke
Like a fire that won’t burn
Though continually stoked
Will it be worth it?
At the end of it all
Will I regret it
When my time comes to call?
Empty
Jul 2023
They wonder the desolate landscape
Finding nothing
A vast empty space
No place to sustain life
Empty echoes around a cracked sphere
Ready to shed another month of hope.
A cough rings out as they journey on
What is it they are looking for?
They don’t know.
Anything to explain the dankness
The reason for such a lonely place
No love grows here
The sheer bareness of it
Reeks of a rebellion
The entire purpose
Unfulfilled
Undeserving of it
Unwavering in its determination
To be unwelcome
To any that could call it home
One Day
Jan 2023
Sometimes I imagine running away
Just getting a plane ticket
And disappearing one day
Somewhere I can deep my feet in the ocean
My body relaxing, away from emotion
There my body wouldn't feel so bad
And I wouldn't look at it
And feel so sad
In a place that is miles away
If I disappeared from my life one day
Here we go again...
Jan 2023
To risk the pain all over again
Is the most frightening thing of all
To willingly put myself on a cliff edge
Where I don’t hang on but fall
Into grief, despair, and sadness
The belief that I failed
Turning my pain into madness
To hate my body so much
That I want it to hurt
Where I imagine running away
Isolating myself
Where I can be barren
With no expectation
Where I can lay still
With no motivation
I take a deep breath
and I will risk the pain
I’m not ready to give up
Here we go again.
Never There
Dec 2022
How can I be this sad when you never existed
All the drugs that I had, yet you resisted
You were never there, it wasn’t meant to be
Yet in my head, you are all I see
Your little face that looks so pudgy,
The hands that wrap around my finger
The eyes that look like him
That look around then linger
On my face, taking me all in
Taking everything in
Your first steps, your first word
I dreamt of it all
Your laugh I wish I could have heard
But you were never there
Never there for me to hold
Never there for me to love
Never there
We would have taken you to the park
Or walks around the zoo
Maybe to the seaside
On a train that went choo choo
It’s funny that you were never there
‘cos in my head you were
I love you little baby
And will forever more
'It'll get easier'
Dec 2022
They say that it’ll get easier
The people that have no clue
That have never had this much uncertainty
And probably never will
The fear wraps up around me
And tightens my very core
I feel trapped on an endless ride
And I’ll never find the door
The door that will lead to all the hopes
The life of what could be
Where I can hold them in my arms
And we are a family
It starts to feel impossible
Almost even illogical
That it will ever happen for us
That I will be a mother
He will be a father
When it happens for others so easily
I find it hard to bear
How dare they flaunt their luck around
The world just seems unfair
To get pregnant by accident
Seems like a fucking joke
Like the universe just wants to mess with us
And show how much I’m broke
They tell you to eat this, do this, do that
Like there’s some magical cure
Like piss off right now
Fucking leave, shut the door